My Polar Opposite » reality TV

All I want for Christmas is self-esteem

mypolaropposite — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:00:33 +0000

Its hard to be a girl these days, harder than it is for a pimp. If I was a pre-teen now and I had to look at images of women in the media, I’m not sure how I’d turn out. So many things work against female self-esteem it’s a wonder the US produces any well-adjusted women. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, or at least since the last time I saw my goddaughter. Early in the AM on the day after Thanksgiving, or some morning that weekend, my goddaughter got into my bed and woke me up. She’s 11-years-old, but hasn’t quite gotten to that ‘tween “don’t touch me” phase, so she kind of flops all over you. Its quite sweet once you’re awake, but I digress. We chatted briefly until she touched my hair and said something like “yuck” or “ewww,” after which she decreed that my hair was nicer before (in braided extensions, or straight and shoulder length). Huh.

Now I’ll admit that at such an early hour, the Afro was not its most spherical and needed desperately to be picked. Usually I take umbrage at referring to my hair in pejorative terms, since its healthy and growing and has neat-o little ringlets. In this particular case, I couldn’t argue with my goddaughter since she doesn’t really know what naturally-textured hair feels like. Her mother, aunt and grandmother wear relaxers. She goes to a multi-ethnic school with kids of all cultures and hair types. Even her brother and father wear closely-cropped hair, so she has virtually no occasion to encounter Black hair as it grows from the scalp. Still, her reaction to the feel of my hair really hurt, but not because I took it personally. In judging my kinks, she was also judging herself, and I wanted so much more for her.

Why do girls and women hate ourselves so much? When did it all go so horribly awry? I blame Hollywood, and by “Hollywood” I mean the entertainment industry. When I heard of the tragic death of Brittney Murphy (yes, that’s how you spell her name) this week, my first thought was: anorexia-induced heart failure. She may have had H1N1, and she did suffer from Type 2 Diabetes. But you can’t deny her dramatic weight loss after Girl, Interrupted, which is weight she really couldn’t afford to lose. A little working out, sure, and some toning up for definition. But pointy shoulder blades, protruding elbow joints and thighs the same size as your calves don’t say, “I’m eating healthy now,” they say “I have an eating disorder.”

The problem is that we don’t talk about eating disorders among actresses anymore because, apparently, a star’s weight is nobody’s business. Except that when you prance your emaciated body around on TV, and you say you look that way because of “diet and Pilates”, you make it everyone’s business. I have lots of friends who act, and all of the have been told by agents and casting directors that they need to lose weight in order to get work. And they’re not voluptuously Size 16-and-Sexy like me! They’re Size 6 women, and men with 32-inch waists, who work out and eat right and apparently need to start starving or get lipo for career advancement. Have you ever seen a TV actor up close? A lot of them are good-looking, but I’ve never seen so many sunken eye-sockets in my life. They all look like lollipops, big heads on abnormally-small bodies. Like it hurts to sit down because they’re so bony. But on screen they look beautiful, and aspirational, and have completely normal results that can only be achieved through abnormal means. There’s no way I’m gonna raise a girl to believe that heroin-chic is natural, or that Tyra Banks’ “real” hair just comes out of her head all straight like that. Imagine the disappointment when their body and hair and life don’t turn out like the people on TV?

Unfortunately, I don’t think we have to imagine a generation of women raised hating themselves because that generation is here and they’re on reality TV. The onslaught of stupid women doing stupid things on TV is astounding to me, but not as incredible as the fact that so-called “women’s” networks are responsible for publicizing the worst of our sex. I’m going to single out Bad Girls’ Club as the worst of the culprits, since it glorifies the insipid behavior the show is supposed to prevent. Here’s an idea: find the most self-centered, materialistic, self-hating 20-something women who are prone to violence, and put them in a house together with liquor, cameras, and shit-else to do. Of course, they’ll all magically learn to control their tempers, start sharing make-up tips and doing each others’ hair, right? And then they’ll wax eloquent about their behavior, making profound confessions about becoming productive people and having healthy relationships. Yeah, I don’t think so. At least Celebrity Rehab has a clinician. Oxygen just has limos and admission to the VIP section of some bar/lounge/club on the Sunset Strip which, in my experience, is far more conducive to self-awareness than some time on the therapy couch. At this point, I don’t know what’s worse: a TV network for women pretending to help anyone with this farce, when all they’re no better than Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild; a cadre of young women willingly acting a damn fool on international video for outcomes that remain, at least to me, undetermined; or the viewing public of women (and men) who promote this kind of behavior by watching, and tweeting, and blogging about how funny the show is.

Maybe I’m missing something, or I’m a killjoy, or there’s a 65-year-old church woman trapped in my hot 30-something body. Does anybody else see what’s wrong?

Is there really "More to Love"?

mypolaropposite — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 02:18:31 +0000

It takes all kinds to make a world, so get in where you fit in!

OK, let me first say that I’m a woman of a certain weight. It’s higher than I’d like it to be for the moment, but it never really slows me down in any way. I plan on rock climbing on vacation, and any other activity I can fit in. My motto: if they make it in my size, I plan to wear it. Except for the string bikini. Tried it once and it was really a mistake. To quote Jill Scott, “you know what they say, everything ain’t for everybody.”

So, I’ve been an occasional fan of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette but never thought it was real and stopped watching a few years ago. A bunch of model wanna-be’s professing how hard it is to meet someone as they proceed to suck face on national television? Easy to make fun of, but not “reality” TV, know what I mean? Like only skinny people get to date and make fools of themselves in public. I’ve made a fool of myself plenty of times, and I’ve had a date or two, so I was pleased to see the promos for More to Love on Fox. I should have known better, since it was Fox, but I thought it would be a nice change of pace to see some normal-sized women on a dating show. Then I watched some of the show and remembered why it’s on TV: ‘cuz it’s just like every other dating show.

For some reason, I think the idea of a “plus size” dating show connotes to some people that its somehow going to be different than the other shows because the contestants are overweight. WRONG! They’re still people who want to have cameras follow them on dates, and who “fall in love” with some guy or girl because the supply is scarce and there’s a lot of competition. It really is just survival of the fittest. If the folks on dating shows (other than those that involve celebrities or money) met each other under normal social conditions, nobody would even think about proposing marriage until over a year had passed, and “love” would be a 4-letter word. When’s the last time you took someone home to meet your parents after 8 weeks? Just as I thought. I think I went on a tangent, but the point is that More to Love will follow the same “dramatic” arc as other dating shows, but with wider camera angles. Coming attractions for the show featured the requisite hot tub and bedroom make-out sessions, only the women had real breasts and the guy had a pot belly. During the course of the show I’m sure there’ll be a cat fight, some petty backstabbing, and/or some crazy bitch who will be known as “that crazy fat bitch” by the TV audience. So I’m not impressed.

But here’s the think that really annoys me about the show: the guy is also a little on the big side. I’m offended that the “big girls” automatically get placed with the “big guy”, like all fat people deserve each other, or the best any of us can do is some other fat person who’s just like us. Its as unrealistic a portrayal as all the “beautiful people” on other dating shows who can apparently only date their kind. Where’s the tall skinny dude who likes his women soft and cuddly? Where’s the gym rat who’d prefer to date a woman who digests her dinner instead of throwing it up? Where’s the average man who just wants to date a woman he likes, and she happens to be a few pounds overweight? I guess its more palatable to America to compartmentalize people based on looks and weight, so its easier for skinny people to look at two big people and think, “oh, that’s why they’re together” even if it isn’t true. Personally, I’ve dated men from the short and squishy, to the freakishly tall and lanky and everything in between. My personal tastes run somewhere in the middle – taller than me, with muscular limbs and defined shoulders so I’m not the buff one. I don’t necessarily like overweight men. It would also shock the producers of MTL to learn that in spite of my weight, all kinds of men hit on me. I’ve been 50 lbs thinner than I am right now and its pretty much the same. I don’t suddenly have Biggie trying to go out with me because I’m a size 16. Admittedly, all the fine brothers stepped to me when I was smaller, but I never responded because I don’t like pretty men. (Only one person in the relationship can primp and that person should be me, thank you very much. Also, I’d like a little latitude to let myself slide without some idiot telling me its time to go to the gym: I’ll go when I’m good and ready. And, I’m not trophy-wife material, since I have a few degrees, some damn sense, and I like to give my opinion to anyone who’ll listen. What was I talking about again?)

The point is, why can’t there be a dating show like real life? It would still be funny, just not as embarrassing for the participants, but Americans don’t want that. Remember when Bob Guiney was on The Bachelorette? All the women I know LOVED him! He was a little chubby, funny as anything and cute as a button. But he didn’t get a rose and he left the show early. Maybe because Trista wanted a super-stud: she married Ryan the fireman. But she also wanted a lap-dog, since I don’t really think Ryan ever had an opinion other than how beautiful she was, and he had no personality. Neither does Trista, so they deserve each other.

Bob eventually lost the weight (he was injured and couldn’t work out, which he told everyone. I mean, why else would anyone be heavy?) and found love on his own reality show. Apparently he lost some sense with the poundage, as he’s now in a band that does cruise ships? Whatever…should have stayed fat ‘n funny: it works for me.