Today is the first full day of Spring, and I may have Spring Fever. Or maybe I’m feeling a little manic. I could be a little depressed. Or just frisky. I don’t really know how I feel, I only know how I’m acting these days and the times in which I’ve acted like this before haven’t turned out so well.
I’ve written about by first big manic episode involving near-anonymous sex and out-of-control feelings. I don’t feel like that right now, but I find myself with similar desires. I very much want to have sex. Lots of it. Fortunately I want to be with men that I know and like instead of random dudes from Craigslist. Still, I feel the same edge, the same need to connect physically that I experienced during mania. And in order to smooth that edge I’m working towards having two lovers, which I’ve never done before in my right mind, so this is uncharted and slightly scary territory.
My quest for paramours began with Matt, to whom I’m very attracted but whom I’ve only seen twice. Lately he’s been busy with his kids, work and seeing the other women that I’m aware are on his dating roster. Though I’d like to have a sexual relationship with him, our schedules haven’t meshed in a while so I’ve had to seek other companionship. Enter Mike, a friend of a friend that I met a few months ago and with whom I’ve had many conversations over time. We’d talked about going out on a date and recently I took him up on his offer, meeting for dinner and then bringing him back to my place for the rest of the night. We had fun, and we’ll do it again, but my desire for Matt has not been slaked which means that I’ll continue to see Mike and Matt at the same time. I just hope that I don’t utter the wrong name at a crucial point in any crucial proceedings.
So why am I stressing about a simple decision to be non-monogamous? Because it’s uncharacteristic. At this stage in my life, I’m usually not about the change. I like doing things the same way over and over again, even if they don’t turn out well. Particularly in relationships. I find the guy who’s somewhat withholding, fall in monogamous love with him, get annoyed, get hurt, do it over again. This time things are different. So maybe Matt is a little withholding, or at least practically unavailable if not emotionally. We’ll get together at some point. Even if we don’t, I have Mike around for when I get antsy and need some company. But it’s that antsy feeling that troubles me, and perhaps racking up simultaneous lovers to occupy myself with sex isn’t the best way to deal with it.
Sex is a complicated thing, or at least it is for me. I’m probably a typical woman in that I have better, more enjoyable sex when I have some kind of attachment. And it means more to me than the physical enjoyment of the process. I realized that I’m one of those women who gets validation from sex. Way back in my teenaged years I was always the “just a friend” girl. I always figured that guys wanted to just be friends with me because there was no attraction. As an adult I know that sex can mean many things, and I’m confident in my ability to attract a man when I want one. Still, part of me always views sex as a way to reinforce that I’m no longer that unattractive teenager. It makes sense that sex was my go-to activity when I was emotionally unstable, providing me an emotional boost along with an endorphin rush.
If I’m honest with myself, I probably spend more time with Mike because Matt is unavailable, and part of me likes having two men around because of a lingering sense of rejection from my youth. And though my rational self would never admit it, some part of me is still recovering from my last breakup and craves the excitement of male attention. When I think about all of that, I might not be having my healthiest moment. But I’m certainly not at my least healthy or least introspective. So, for now, I’ll hang around with these guys that I like. Maybe I’ll be physical with both of them. I won’t say or do anything that I’ll regret later. And I’ll be sure to keep tabs on my feelings should they slip back into mania or depression.