Honesty is NOT written all over my face

Sometimes I meet my blog fans and Twitter followers in person, and they remark that my social media personality is exactly the same as my real personality.  I’m a firm believer that “what you see is what you get” should apply to people as well as to computer programming and The Flip Wilson Show.  I’m the most honest and upfront person you’ll ever meet.  I am incapable of faking an emotion because my every thought comes across on my face and, eventually, out of my mouth.  You always know where you stand with me.  My proverbial balls are always to the wall, no holds barred.  Except for the fact that I’m such a liar and I’m full of crap.

Before I lose all credibility, I should clarify what I mean by that last statement.  Anyone who knows me has been privy to the beauty of my trademark honesty.  Ask me for an honest opinion, I’ll give it. Even when nobody asks, I’m still compelled to give it.  “Yes, those jeans make you look fat, that lipstick makes you look dead, and if you don’t take off those shoes I’m going to take them off you and burn them.”  A friend from college used to brush her hair when I came to her room because I told her one day that her hair looked like a haystack or something.  Happily, we remain friends and she still makes a point of brushing her hair before she sees me.  My seeming disregard for other people’s feelings extends into my professional life as well.  “That layout is crap even though you spent the better part of the week working on it:  are you lazy or just incompetent?”  “These concepts make it look like you’ve done a lot of work, they’re all off-strategy and only half of them mention the brand name above the fold.  Did you even READ the brief?  Start over.”  An advertising agency creative once told me that while my words were harsh, my voice was so pleasant that nobody realized I’d chewed them out until, like, 30 minutes later.  Call it a gift.  But my verbal gift does not apply to dating.  There I usually clam up like…well, you get what I’m trying to say.

Mind you, I’m not actually dating Friend Boy, but I like him.  As previously stated, my feelings, and the thoughts and feelings regarding experiencing said feelings, give me agita.  Then I obsess slightly because I’m still figuring out how to live in the present without letting my old patterns ruin the moment.  The good news is that I have clarity on the behaviors that made me unhappy in male relationships.  The bad news is that because I spent so many years trying to orchestrate other peoples’ reactions, I never learned how to interpret them them.  To put a fine point on it, I feel like I’m 13 years old again and I don’t understand boys except to get nervous when they talk to me.

Here’s what I mean:  Friend Boy and I talk and email and communicate on Facebook pretty regularly.  He told me the other day that he’s spent much time looking at my pictures on Facebook.  And then he said something about seeing me smile and knowing me, something like that.  What exactly is that supposed to mean?  Was he: (A) just making conversation; (B) interested in me romantically and, as such, fond of looking at my smiling face when he can’t see me in person; or (C) currently amassing a shrine to me that covers one entire wall of his apartment.  Sometimes there’s a fine line between “adorable” and “a door ’bout to get slammed in your face, restraining order to come”. I ruled out the psycho option because Friend Boy and I have a mutual friend, whom I trust.  But when he made his confession, I was torn between two reactions.  Half of me wanted to say, in my best sarcastic tone, “Stalker much?”  The other half of me searched for some combination coy phrase/flirty gesture as perfected by various female protagonists in 1950′s romantic films.  What did I do?  Nothing.  When I think of it, I’m pretty sure my face was absolutely blank for the first time in my life.  Uncharacteristically, I didn’t say anything either.  That never happens.  Help!!!!

Perhaps its best that I’m caught off guard with Friend Boy.  If I’m just cruising along without a relationship map, then I won’t be able to concoct any self-defeating reactions (good), or use my defense mechanisms to diffuse my insecurities (better).  This is probably what they call a breakthrough and, if it is, then I’m probably on my way to my best reactions ever: the kind of emotional honesty and sincerity that lead to a healthy relationship with myself, and with whatever “Boy” comes around.