My Polar Opposite presents: a social media relationships primer

Apparently y’all are a bunch of punk-ass bitches.  Yeah, I said it.  According to a study released this week MoCoSpace and published by TechCrunch, 48% of you idiots have actually broken up with someone via text message.  Shame on you!  And shame on the set of doofises (is that even a word?) that went out with you in the first place.  They had to see it coming with your social detachment and reliance on communication via technology. Lord knows I did.

Don't look like a dork in social media, it's not a good look. http://www.flickr.com/photos/dullhunk/ / CC BY 2.0

Many people know that I’m a fan of Geeky Boys because they’re smart and I think that smart is sexy.  And you know that I’ve dated my share of geeks because sometimes you can hardly tell them from the regular men.  A few years ago I dated the King of the Geeks, as he will henceforth be known.  KOTG is brilliant.  He left U Penn early to found an internet start-up in 1986, made good money in the business for about 20 years, sold a few patents to start another company and is probably writing code in his home office as we speak.  If I’d taken his advice while we were dating, I’d be a successful entrepreneur now instead of an unemployed wanna-be writer.  I’m beating a dead horse but I want you to realize how heavy this guy is.  He is also very tall, pretty funny and pretty good in bed – someone taught him well, really well.

But over the course of our relationship I noticed KOTG’s not-so-social tendencies:  he wasn’t good at socializing with my friends & family; he rarely spoke to people unless it was business-related; he’d spend days in front of the computer without human contact.  I’m not really sure he has any friends in the emotional sense of the word, just associates.  My tip off should’ve been when I cried in front of him (that was the best friend suicide moment) and he kind of shuffled away looking like a deer in the headlights.  I would’ve taken a “there, there” or a pat on the shoulder over his awkward escape.  And speaking of awkward and escaping, he also had the gall to break up with me over email.

You know when you decide a relationship is over and you’re just looking for the right moment to break it off?  KOTG and I were there for over a month.  I could never be with someone who rejected my company to commune with code.  Programming is fun, but Imma still need to get with the humans from time to time.  And his asocial behavior brought out my worst passive-aggressive, so I don’t blame his not wanting to date that chick.  We kept trying to get together, played phone tag, then I went on vacation with my girls fully committed to having the break-up meeting when I got back.  Instead, I return home to an email talking about how it was somehow easier to break up via email.  No kidding its easier, you jackass!  I believe my response went something like, “I was gonna break up with you too but I was waiting to do it in person like a grown up, now send me my shit that’s in your apartment.”  I should also mention that we’d dated for over a year.  Yeah, I know.

Some of you are probably thinking that there’s a time period in which it is acceptable to end a relationship via electronic communication.  If you haven’t had sex, its okay.  If you’ve been out on less than 5 dates, sure.  A text is certainly better than ignoring someone you’d rather not see.  But then again, if you’re an adult you should be able to pick up the phone and tell someone who it’s really not working for you.  What did people do before texting and email?  The acted like human beings, that’s what.  In case you don’t remember what that’s like, let me give you a few tips for social-networking relationship etiquette:

• DO NOT have any kind of relationship conversation via Twitter.  It’s public. You can Google it. ‘Nuff said.
• DO NOT break up with anyone via Twitter or Facebook.  People have done it, and it looks like girls fighting with each other on the playground: there’s pushing and shoving, punches that don’t quite land, nobody wins, everyone is embarrassed.  Besides, your friggin’ boss is on Facebook so if you wouldn’t cuss out your man in the middle of the office, don’t do it in the middle of your social network.
• For casual “social” relationships, DO NOT wink at anyone on Twitter if you just met them.  Getting a DM that says “thanks for following me ” is like having someone wink at you when you shake their hand: it makes you feel creepy, like some stranger licking the back of your neck.  Please respect in-person relationship rules on Twitter, because there are real people behind those accounts and one of them could be your momma!
• DO send cute love notes via email and text because its gross to have sexy-talk when the person in the adjoining cube can hear you.
• DO NOT access text, email, Twitter for romantic communication while in a public bathroom.  Your reactions will make someone call the cops on you.
• DO NOT access any of the above technologies while on a date unless you are a doctor, police officer, the Lamaze coach of a woman who is 9-months-pregnant (hopefully not your wife), or a parent is on their death-bed.  If you feel the need to grab your smartphone of choice during a date, you’re just not into him/her and you should probably go home.  Good thing there’s internet porn.

This is all I can do to help you folks learn to be regular people, the kind that talk to other people, instead of turning into pods.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go post this on Twitter.