What John Mayer taught me about race and sex

OK, so I used to be a huge John Mayer fan. I was all over the first album, the second one, even his short-lived show on MTV. For the record, I’m one of those Black girls that likes guitar players. And Guns N’ Roses. Don’t ask me why, but I grew up in the suburbs.  That was a reference to a hilarious skit from Chappelle’s Show where Dave and Mayer dispelled the myth that White people can’t dance. It KILLED, and perhaps gave a bunch of Black people a new impression of Mayer, the races united through music and comedy, and the world was a beautiful place.  It was also beautiful because we started listening to Mayer’s lyrics, which were very good in that “why can’t I meet a guy this sweet” kinda way.  Like “Come Back to Bed” and “Wonderland” weren’t on those mix CDs you made while you fantasized about some guy (maybe John Mayer himself) singing those words to you.  Never let your head hit the bed/Without my hand behind it….damn, that’s a good one.

Somewhere along the way, John Mayer became a douche, but mostly to White women.  He started dating famous Blonde chicks, like Jessica Simpson, and talking about it like he was King of the World.  Last time I checked, Simpson was dumb as a post and screwing her would be no big feat.  (White) Women lost respect for Mayer behind that relationship, because how could you write so sensitively and just pork some dumb chick just because she’s hot (allegedly) and famous (for being hot and stupid)? Nerdy, plain-looking girls everywhere refused to listen to John Mayer’s music realizing he was too shallow to ever want to be with someone like them.  Black girls laughed, decided he wasn’t that cute anyway, and moved along.  Men of all races didn’t care because they’d wanted to fuck Jessica Simpson since seeing her in Dukes of Hazzard.  Me, I lost a little respect and stopped listening to the first CD, but it wasn’t a big deal.

The Aniston incident put John in some interesting company, and he cleaned up rather well on the Red Carpet.  Team Aniston (i.e. White women and the men who love them) thought they’d give Mayer another chance; since Jen is so great, John must be great to be with her, so they bought some music and started waiting for the world to change.  Team Jolie (i.e. Black women and the men who love them) thought John Mayer was just making his rounds through Hollywood tabloid pussy; Jen is bland and annoying, not as hot as all that, and no kind of MAN would want her anyway which is why Brad Pitt left her for Angie. Wait, John Mayer?  Huh.  Then came Twitter, complete with public douchebaggery from @johncmayer, and some CDs went back into the trash.  Or out of the iTunes library.  Whatever.  But “Johnifer” ended eventually, Mayer stopped talking so damn much, and people started talking about his music and not him.  One of my coworkers started playing Continuum in her cubicle and I was back, getting someone to burn me the John Mayer catalog.  The man really is a great guitarist, if you like that sort of thing, which I do.  And he has a nice mouth, in that “White guy that Black girls want to kiss” kinda way.  You know what I’m talking about.

But today I’m mad at John Mayer, and I told him so on Twitter where everyone could see it.  In case you were shoveling snow or doing something productive with your day until this point, let me fill you in on Mayer’s interview in the March issue of Playboy.  Young John’s mistake was talking about Black people like he was one:

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

What?  Um, I mean…?  Really?  *blinks repeatedly* Dave Chappelle is not your friend any more, so don’t think you’re getting any invitations to the “Fuck You Hollywood” farm out in Yellow Springs.  Here’s “Whitey with a Nigger Pass, Part 2″:

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

Wow, exactly what I needed was some famous White guy to so clearly articulate in 2 sentences what it means to be Black.  Apparently in the midst of my struggle for equality and dealing with racists incidents every day, I’m just a useful darky puttin’ pig feet in a pot of greens, but singing a song because I’m so damn happy.  Its called survival, you dumbass.  But wait, there’s more:

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to [dating Black women]. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

People think Black women are pissed off about John Mayer not wanting to date us, though he does go on to say that White men dig women like Holly Robinson Peete, Karyn Parsons, or Kerry Washington (actually not her, but the crazy-ass characters she plays…its called acting, butt hole).  Honestly, Black women get riled when Black men say they won’t date us, and even then only if we think they’re cool; if it’s some piece-of-Black man (like Tiger Woods or Clarence Thomas) we say “y’all can have him” and keep it moving.  Now if Michael Weatherly, the guy who plays DiNozzo on NCIS, said he wouldn’t date Black women, I’d be pretty crushed as it would mean the end of my fantasy that involves licking his dimples and the cleft in his chin…sorry, what were we talking about?  Right, racism.  Its okay, almost encouraged, to date exclusively within your own race.  But when you try to make a KKK joke with it?  The Klan is not a joke, nor is white supremacy, using the “N” word or belittling the Black experience, especially at the hands of a wealthy, White male.

Guess John Mayer should have read the back of his “hood pass“.