And Donatella still looks better than the woman I saw on the beach today
Style and fashion are not the central themes of this blog, but sometimes (actually all the time) I just have to call ‘em as I see ‘em, and I’ve got to talk about people’s clothes. I realize that I am not above sartorial reproach, but I love to shop so my wardrobe is pretty much always what you would consider “in”. And even when it isn’t, I don’t look foolish or inappropriate, and that’s really what I want for everyone since we’re the ones who have to look at you.
Today I was on the beach in Ocean Grove, NJ. This is my second summer coming here, and there’s a local woman my friend Tanya and I call “Magda”, like the woman from There’s Something About Mary. She’s old, too tan, too thin, and smokes too much. On the beach, where there is no smoking. Until today, I’d never seen Magda up close, just close enough to see that There’s Something About Her that’s Just Wrong. Then, just as I’d mentioned her to my beach companion, she walked by. Words can’t begin to describe the horror. I didn’t have a camera, so you’ll have to settle for some words. Imagine someone wearing wrinkled clothing that’s 2 sizes to big. Now imagine that the clothes are made of some kind of meat that you’ve microwaved but left in for too long, so its kind of bumpy and rough-looking. That would be her skin, weather-beaten and sizzled to within inches of its sad life. She’s darker than me. I’ll admit that I’m probably the most fair-complexioned person in my family, so much so that some call me fish-bottom legs (cause they’re so white). But still, this woman is darker than George Hamilton without the good looks and muscle tone. Also, she’s got an anorexic body. And she was wearing a bikini. Not a modest old-lady 2-piece with a skirt. She definitely bought it in the teen department, high-cut legs and all. I’m not against women of a certain age showing some skin, but I’d prefer that they didn’t look like a rotting flesh bag. Then there’s her frazzled, bleached hair. Obviously, she spends way too much time in the sun, and there’s no SPF in her beach kit. I know her skin feels like a cantaloupe wrapped in sandpaper, only if that cantaloupe were left in the desert sun for a month.
Lest you think that I’m ageist or overly critical, I will state here are certain items of clothing that everyone, no matter what their age, size, whatever, should be able to wear. It’s a matter of comfort and propriety, so here’s the list:
1) Tank top and shorts in summer: It’s hot, and everyone deserves their own personal cooling station. I don’t care if your upper arms are fat and flabby (as mine are) or saggy and wrinkled, there’s no reason you should suffer through the kind of summer we’re having in NYC wearing long sleeves because you’re ashamed. Let ‘em out, ladies! You’ll feel better, and nobody really cares anyway. Same goes for shorts. Varicose veins, hairy legs and cellulite be damned! Cool those pins in some appropriate shorts: I don’t want to see anyone’s butt cheeks, no matter how firm they are. The exceptions to the shorts and tank top rules are as follows: wifebeater undershirts are underwear for a reason, so keep them under your clothes unless they’re brand new and pristine white; gentlemen’s tank tops must have arm holes that prevent viewing of your saggy man boobs, and should not be mesh or neon unless you’re a go-go boy; if your body hair is like a pelt, just cover it up or shave it off because it doesn’t really look clean.
2) A bathing suit: The word to remember here is appropriate. A dip in the pool or the ocean is refreshing, and you need the right swimwear for the occasion. Every woman can find a one-piece that covers and supports and shapes whatever you’re got going. Every man can find a pair of trunks, and they don’t even have to cover your beer belly. Now, just because you have license to own a bathing suit doesn’t mean Nana and Pop-Pop should sport matching neon orange thongs at the community pool (I’ve seen it and it wasn’t pretty. But it was on a nude beach in another country and they were really tan, so what the hell?) There is a time and a place for everything, and bikins really are best left to the young and those under a size 14. Take note, Magda! I used to subscribe to the “if they make it in my size I’m gonna wear it” theory of clothing. Then I saw a picture of myself, and no manner of string bikini looks good cutting into back fat. I’ll return to the bikini when I re-lose 50 lbs., but I’m sure its not gonna have any strings and there’ll be some underwires involved. And it will be slimming black, ‘cuz I’m not an idiot.
There are also some fashion “incidents” that should never be perpetrated:
1) High-top sandals: Why? Do your heels get cold? Are your ankles so ugly that you need to conceal them with shoes? From what I’ve seen, that doesn’t work. Ladies, think about some doofis guy you saw wearing Converse high tops with shorts. That’s what you look like with a short dress and open-toed boots or whatever they’re supposed to be. Just say no.
2) Skinny jeans for men: Unless you’re built like Pete Wentz or the lead singer of All American Rejects, you look like a weeble-wobble in skinny jeans. If your legs are big enough to offset your broad upper body, you’ll look like a stuffed sausage. You’ll never see T.O. in a pair, and the man has a SICK body. So leave the “skinny” jeans to the “skinny” people, get yourself some relaxed fit, and remember this quote from Chris Rock (who could, by the way, wear skinny jeans): Just because you can do it doesn’t mean it’s to be done. Oh, and before I forget, wear them above your butt.
3) A full set of toenails: I’ve worn acrylic nails, and they’re good for making your polish last longer. When your nails break before they can grow long, a set of wraps can protect your real nails. But when did it become okay to put long nails on your feet? My toenails grow like weeds and I’m forever trying to get them short enough to look normal. Then I get on the bus and see some woman with long-ass big-toe nails, fully airbrushed, hanging off the end of her sandals. As the kids say, what the fuck? It’s so gross that I have to drop an f-bomb. Used to be when you had one long toenail, your significant other made fun of you until you cut it, talking about how you stabbed him with it in the middle of the night, and how you could use it to cut steak. Now, apparently, having that one long nail is attractive? Maybe they use it as a bottle opener, or to shuck oysters, or for some exotic sexual act. What happens in the winter? Do you buy longer shoes to accommodate your freakishly-long, yet impeccably groomed, toenail with your baby daddy name written on it in Swarovski crystals? Asian nail technicians always want to airbrush my nails – hand and feet – because I have long nail beds and they’ll have a large canvas to work on. I politely and respectfully decline, and exit the salon with my dignity intact.
