Apple Store: cigarette not included

The other day, I decided to go to the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan because I was looking for a few things (headphones, a laptop bag, anti-glare film and an armband for my iPhone.  You know, the usual).  This particular outlet is familiar to me, since I’d visited their Genius Bar for my iBook, and got my new MacBook there.  Yup, I’m that girl.  During those visits I had a mission – getting something fixed, making a specific purchase – so I didn’t really look around.  But this time I had some browsing to do and I came to a fascinating conclusion.  The Apple Store is the modern-day pick up joint for geeks, a nerdy amalgam of the nightclub and the strip club.  Allow me to explain.

Like many people who descend the translucent staircase at the Fifth Avenue Apple Store, I’m a huge geek on the inside but I hide it with the beautifully cool facade you’ve come to love.  My first date with my last long-term boyfriend included a trip to the SoHo Apple location, which is probably why I slept with him on the second date.  But I digress…

Anyway, all the stores have those near-invisible stairs which, now that I think of it, are like Lucite stripper heels.  And here begins the comparison.  The stores are always so crowded, the queues are cordoned off to separate the Genius Bar people (“VIP”) from the hoi polloi copping free WiFi.  And the music is always BUMPIN’ like you’re in a club.  The marketer in me says, “They’ve recreated the music-based experience synonymous with wearing your iPod everywhere, thus giving your life a soundtrack.”  The single scenester in me thinks, “Where the party at??” and sidles up next to the guy with Elvis Costello glasses fingering MacBook Air.

That’s the other part:  you can touch everything.  With loud music and technologically-inclined young people jammed together in front of demonstration tables, it’s like rushing the stage and sliding a crisp, new bill into Kandi’s g-string.  Looking is great, but you really want to touch.  You want to caress.  And, unlike the champagne room, this domicile lets you get your computer rocks off as you feel the soft, gentle give of the Mac keyboard.  Oh…wow, that feels nice. Then you can see yourself reflected in MacBook’s shiny white surface, along with the cutie reaching past you for the information card.  Oooh.  It’s so smooth. New iPod Shuffle?  It looks like a bullet, a top-secret device designed to hold your personal, private playlist.  You can put it anywhere you want.  And the walls are lined with multicolored accessories, lovingly arranged by model, letting you personalize each Apple product you own.  Hot pink hard case for iPhone.  Oh!! Reflective armband for iPod Nano.  Oh, yeah!! And it has…A…Built-in…Headphone…Keeper.   Oh God, that’s it, that’s the one!  Right there!  That’s it!  Oh God!  Oh God!  OH MY GOD!

Face flushed and giggling softly to yourself, you skulk to one of the dudes in matching t-shirts for the credit-card check-out.  They can e-mail you the receipt, so you can relive the moment in the privacy of your own home.